Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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