I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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