I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
