how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
