I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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