Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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