apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
