Joe is yelling at the trees again.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
