did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
