Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
