im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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