proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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