My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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