I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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