just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
