I think my fart just growled at me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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