and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
