I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
