Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
