you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
