I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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