It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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