Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
