I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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