Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
