Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
