Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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