Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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