Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
