i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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