I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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