he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Randomize
