Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
