I wish I only lived at night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
