So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
