a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
