He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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