Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
