I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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