the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
