at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
