i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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