If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
