last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
