She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize