i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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