drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
