I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
