i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
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