he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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