the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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