Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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