so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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