At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
