you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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