There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
